My Story Part 8 – Epilogue

Hi Friends,

It was not easy for me to write these blogs to have to relieve the things I’ve done and the hurt I’ve caused (with the risk of hurting those people again by writing this)  but I know that the Lord had a purpose for me doing this.  And as I see my story being read around the world, I know God is blessing.

I want to say thanks to all who read and shared my story.  I pray that someone is touched, changed, enlighted, or inspired by it and choose to seek or continue  their own Faith walk or relationship with God.

I do need to say that I wrote my story so that readers of this blog will know that I was not perfect, that I will never be perfect, (only Jesus Christ lived the perfect life) but through God’s grace I changed.  God can change anyone and that is the main point here.   I may not have gone into grave detail in some areas and may have gone too far in others but understand the greater picture…I did not go into certain details to protect the innocent but I hoped that I wrote it from a standpoint where someone could “insert self here”.

Some have asked what’s the end of the story?  Well I am living it and maybe one day down the road I will add another chapter or too.  You see friends, God isn’t finished with me yet.  He continues to mold me and make me and use me for His will.  For those that have asked,  I remain separated and the outcome is not yet written in stone.

I continue to seek the Lord daily and do my best to walk on the path that he has prepared for me.  Romans 5:1-5  is like a glimpse of my journey and where I am at in my life… “Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” NLT

Brothers and Sisters, I encourage you to go on your Faith Walk confidently, know that if you let Him,  the Lord will lead you to where he wants you to be.  You may not understand the hows, and the whys, but if you really trust him, he   WILL take care of you.

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33 ESV  “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Matthew 6:34 NLT

Live for Today in Jesus so that you will be ready for Him when He calls you home or when He returns. (Which ever comes first).

Now that this foundation has been laid, I hope you continue to read my posts as I share my walk.  You see I am not a theologian, I am not a Bible scholar, I am not perfect.  I am a work in progress and I am just tryingtobeamanofgod…



My Story Part 7 – The Transformation

Greetings Brothers and Sisters….The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary includes a section called the “Synonym Discussion”.

Synonym Discussion of TRANSFORM:

transformmetamorphosetransmuteconvert,transmogrifytransfigure mean to change a thing into a different thing. transform implies a major change in form, nature, or function. metamorphose suggests an abrupt or startling change induced by or as if by magic or a supernatural power. transmute implies transforming into a higher element or thing . convert implies a change fitting something for a new or different use or function. transmogrify suggests a strange or preposterous metamorphosis. transfigure implies a change that exalts or glorifies.
That being said…Let me continue to the final part of My Story – The Transformation.
So after coming home from North Carolina it was time to work on the marriage…continue to answer the difficult questions and try to explain my actions.  Not a fun time, but like I said before, the fun was already had and it was time for work.  I was so sorry for what I had done and I feel I was also mad at myself because of what I had done in North Carolina and that it made me have to come  clean about my affair years earlier.
I can say though it was a relief to not have to hold that secret anymore although it was like dropping a bomb on my wife.  I was blessed to find a job when I came back although it was 100 miles from home.  I gladly took it because although I had a  200 Mile commute each day, at least I was at home at night.  So my days were long and many days I was tired.  When I got home from work  I had to do some “mental sparring” with my wife at night so I would be mentally exhausted.  I would try to drink some nights but that never made for a good situation.
I was also struggling to go to church when I came back…(You know my Mom would ask me each week if I was going!) The times I did go to church weren’t too bad but I was one of those people who was watching the clock to see when the Pastor was done and I never tried to socialize. Spiritually I new I was walking the fence and I had to figure out – was I going to church to please my parents again? or was I getting something out of it?
One of my neighbors goes to my church and he knew I liked to make music and worked with the electronics, he asked if I could help out running the Audio Visual equipment at the church.  I said yes.  Little did I know that that was the start of my service in the church.
Time was going by and everything seemed to be on a treadmill, moving but not moving. My wife was getting more frustrated with me because I wasn’t relating to her and my points weren’t getting though to her despite my efforts.  I found I was really overwhelmed at this point in my life and through my job I decided to use the Employee Assistance Program and found a therapist I could talk to.
During this time my father’s health started to deteriorate and he was admitted to the hospital.  He was in the hospital for a week or so and through a lot of prayer he got better and was allowed to return home.
So not only was this time stressful for me it was stressful for my wife – so much so that it put her in the hospital as well. So there I was going to two hospitals each night to see my wife and father, after driving a 100 miles to work each day, trying to take care of the kids. Going to therapy. Once again my life was a wreck.
I started listening to Christian radio at this time and one day as I was driving down the highway headed to the hospital I heard a small voice in my head, Not the radio, not my thoughts, the voice said one word “Come!”  I knew that was the Voice of the Lord speaking to me the Holy Spirit spoke to me!!  I broke out in tears!! In that very moment my life changed forever!   That Sabbath when  I went to church I requested study for Baptism as I new it was time to stop walking the fence and give my life to God.  The person who took my prayer request to the Pastor was my neighbor who asked me to do the Sound! He said he was going to take care of it personally.
The next week my wife left the hospital and went home and my Father went home as well.  That same week I started studying for baptism and I asked my son if he would like to get baptized as well and he said yes.  He joined me in study. (Click HERE to see pics)
My Wife and I decided that it would be best to separate and not have me stay at our house so as to relieve the stress that was going on.  It really bothered me to leave my home but God works in mysterious ways.  I say that because during one of the worst parts of my life he allowed me to move in to my parents house as  my wife and I separated.  This was a blessing because little did I know that those months I spent at my parents house would be the last I would spend with my father.
So as I continued to go to Counseling, my Therapist suggested I find a Divorce Care group to join.  That sabbath when I went to church there on the bulletin it said “Starting Wednesday night – Divorce Care!…
My Father took sick again in the Summer last year and never recovered.  His passing and the passing of the Torch from him to me has solidified my walk in the Lord. (See my blog post Our Father Who Art in Heaven)
God was at work the whole way and little by little things have fallen in to place.  It has been almost a year since my son and I were baptized and we continue to attend church and do Sound.  We feed the Homeless monthly,  and I have been elected Men’s Ministry leader.   I see God’s handy work in my life and I thank him for my journey, and my faith walk.  I live for the Lord and I proclaim him to all I meet.  I am doing my best to stay on fire for Jesus.
This Blog is approaching 500 Views since I started it 6 weeks ago.  It is already being viewed in the United States, Canada, Germany, Slovakia, The Netherlands, Portugal and South Africa.
You see friends, God can use anyone he wants to to further his work.  God is the  Miracle worker able to Transform lives, hearts, and people.   Without a great conscious effort the Lord Jesus Christ, has taken the desires of drugs, alcohol and other addictions out my life,  he has changed my diet and I no longer desire unclean meats or shellfish, I remain a living testimony of His greatness and I can’t wait to see how he will use me in the next year of my life!
Romans 6:4 says “For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.”
“and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.”  Ephesians 4:24 New American Standard Bible
Blessings to you all and thank you for reading my story and experiencing my journey.  Until later, I am just….tryingtobeamanofgod.
 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

My Story Part 6 – North Carolina


Hi Friends,

Thanks for being patient and for coming back to read my story…

So finances were tight and I had no choice (so I thought) than to go to North Carolina to seek employment. Looking back now, I know that if I knew and trusted God like I do now, I would have waited on him to provide a job for me, to keep the lights on, etc. But the man I was could only see the dollars I would make.  Deep down I also felt that this may be my last opportunity to “have fun”.

As the time came closer for me to go to NC, I would talk to my buddies and they would say things like “you’re going to NC? without your family? How did you pull that off!?” I would hear “you’re the man!” and I got gassed and I thought I was doing big things.

What I fool I was for thinking that.  You see My wife and I discussed me leaving the family and wondering if it was the right decision, but my mind was already made up that I was going.  The family took a road trip to see what North Carolina was like and it looked as if it would be a good situation. Again looking back, if I had put God first in all things and prayed on that decision I believe the outcome would have been different.

So the time finally came for me to fufill my 6 month contract in North Carolina, make this consulting money, and return and life would be good. Goodbye’s were said, tears were shed, and I made the 10 hour drive up to NC.

At the beginning of the contract I was staying at a hotel until I could look for an apartment.  A friend of my wife had family in North Carolina and one of her friends relatives was going to help me find an apartment.

The relative that helped me find the apartment was  a nice (and attractive) young woman and I was very thankful for her help.  I told my wife  that I wanted to take her to lunch or something to say thanks. My wife suggested I send flowers or something, but I took her to eat instead.  We had a good time and I said maybe I would kept in touch.

So there I was up in North Carolina by myself.  It took a minute to settle in.  It was a big change to get off work and not have a family to go home to.  Most the people I worked with were married and some were contracting too.  So after work most were rushing home to their families and on the weekends most of the contractors were going home to their families.  I was covering my own work expenses and the home expenses so at first I would go home every other weekend, then every couple weeks, then once a month, and so on.

It wasn’t too bad at first, I would call every night and my free time would be spent making music or exploring what was around.  A couple weeks into the project there was a delay because they could not find a project manager for the project. After several weeks of the project not making any movement they finally asked me to be the Project Manager so that the project could continue to move on.  I wasn’t sure if I could do it, but my wife was behind me and encouraged me to step and take the job.

Let me step back for a second, in that time the project was in limbo, the chef in the cafeteria at the job and I became good friends as he told me he was a rapper and I told him I made beats.  He came over one night and I let him hear some beats and he asked if it was okay if he “smoked something” before I recorded him.  That was all I needed, I was back to my old ways.

Me and Chef hung out a little bit, we would go to the bars, he knew I was married with a family so we kept it cool.  As I started to hang out and learn the area I found myself going out without Chef and one night became two, then three.  I would go to the apartment after work, make my phone calls home then put on my jewels, take off my ring, and see what I could get in to.

As I look back at how ignorant I was, I think of the places I went, the people I hung out with (that I really didn’t know) and I think of what could have happened.  I could have been on The First 48 for all I know.

Spoiler Alert! Let me just say from now that I did not cheat on my wife in North Carolina.  But I may as well have with all the things I doing. I was meeting women at socials and clubs, trying to get numbers but thank God that nothing ever panned out.

So after many unsuccessful situations I started to wonder what was wrong with me? Had I lost it? I still thought I was the man… Obviously not.

Once in a while I would reach out to the relative that helped me find the apartment and say hi and I would try to get her to hang out but she wouldn’t.

So about 6 months passed and the money I made seemed like it wasn’t enough any more and I was starting to feel the pressure of the Project Manager position.  I was asking Chef to come around so we could smoke something, and drink something….I was getting out of control. My wife was wondering what was going on and I was just living single.  I was so burnt out I could not deal with everything going on and keep my stories and finances straight.

One day I  was really tired and I said to myself that I was going home and doing nothing…I didn’t want to hang out or anything.  As soon as I got home my phone rang-it was the relative! She wanted to know if she could bring her  PC over for me to look at it.

In the course of that visit we had a few beers and things were having a good time when my wife called.  I wasn’t as smooth as I thought and my wife new something was up.

Long story short, I told my wife after a good interrogation that I was not home alone when she called and that situation made its way back to the affair that I had in New York and I finally had to tell my wife (after eight years of keeping my secret) the truth about what happened in the affair and that I slept with her.  She was devastated.

From that point on everything for me in North Carolina stopped.  I liked going to work because it kept my mind off of everything else in my life.  I dreaded seeing 5 O’clock, because that meant it was time to go home and talk to my wife and read the many emails we had going back and forth.

For all the “Fun” I had for all those years It was time to pay for it.  I couldn’t sleep, constant headaches, and dread of “talking”.  It was at this time I felt that I needed to go to church.  I was overwhelmed and I finally realized the damage I had done.

It really hurt me to see what I had done to my wife.  How I was having and had had a good time at her expense.

I want to stop here and say to a man out there that may be caught up in any stage of this situation, STOP! If I could help one man out there not go down this road, and spare a woman what my wife went through, then I would be so happy and feel that me telling my story served it’s purpose.

You see in all this, I blame no one but me for what I did, but the sad part is that I didn’t hurt just me, there were several people involved (my wife ,the women, the children). So many times without thinking, we do not realize the ripple effects of our actions and I feel that is what causes the most damage.

What I think people don’t understand about God’s commandment “Thou Shalt not commit adultery” is that God did not make that commandment so that you could not have “fun”, He made it because He wanted to spare all parties involved from that pain of adultery and everything that goes with it.

So getting back to the story, I looked for an Adventist church in the area and started to go to church on Sabbath. One week I really felt moved from the service and I repented to God for my sins.  Again, looking back, I realize that when I “repented” that it was not with deep conviction and with the true repentance and remorse that I know now.  But it was a start.

So as my days would go by and the long evenings came on, many times I started to get annoyed with my wife when we would have our “talks”.  I remember in one conversation I was being arrogant and said “I repented!” What do you want me to do!?” I was an idiot to get mad at the woman who trusted me, that I betrayed, because she had feelings about what I did 8 years ago, that I just told her about!

At least I started to go to church which was a start and I started to read the Bible, although it was not with a clean heart….yet.  The days and nights ran into each other and every day they were just more of the same, a lot of pain, a lot of talking, a lot of emails…before I knew it, the project was done and it was time to go home…North Carolina was done, but the story continues…

Until later…I’m just tryingtobeamanofgod.







My Story Part 5 – The Prodigal Returns



Welcome Back Friends!  Let’s get to it.

Winter 2002-2003 in New York saw huge snow storms every 36 hours.  I remember coming home from work, getting off the train and not even coming inside the house.  I would grab the shovel that I left outside and would just start shoveling snow.  My son would  hear the shovel, look out the window and say “Daddy’s Home!”

So after my wife joked about moving to Florida, for the rest of that winter we would go on the internet and look at houses for sale and fantasize about buying this one or that one.  We would think of having a pool, acres of land, etc.

God is good because he knows the desires of your heart.  One day in the late spring I was outside planting some lilac trees in the front yard and a car pulled up in our driveway.  I was thinking to my “Oh Lord, the kid’s teacher is coming to my house for a conference!”  I told my stepson to go see who it was and he came over and said to me “Dwayne, the lady says she wants to buy the house!” I was like “What?!”

It was true, the woman explained that she represented a buyer who was looking to purchase some investment properties and our home was on the street he wanted to have his rentals.  My wife and I thought it was too good to be true, so as the true New Yorkers we were, we were skeptical about listing our home.  We agreed that we would give this lady a week to see if she was for real.  We listed the home and we thought about what we would do when our house sold in 6 months.  We sold the house in 2 weeks!

One of the hardest things I have ever done in my life was to move amd leave my oldest son in New Jersey, but I figured that I would actually spend more time with him if he would be coming to Florida for the summers, as opposed to the “every other weekend” scenario I was experiencing at the time.

So I was so thankful I would be leaving New York (notice I did not say that I thanked God I was leaving…I still wasn’t there yet) so that I could get out of the situation I was in and people I was around.  I thought that if I left New York all my problems would go away and I would never have to reveal the truths of what I was doing and how I was living…..Little did I know how wrong I was!

I flew to Florida to look for a home and after a very long weekend and several miles I found a house. Not that I planned it, but it so worked out that the house we purchased was a mile from my parents house.

Two weeks later we were in Florida. I got the family settled in and I had to go back to New York to work and make the transition to work from home for the next 6 months.  I had it all planned out, although everything did not go as planned.  2 months into my 6 month agreement my Job ended my arrangement and I had to start looking for work.  It took longer to get a job than anticipated and things were starting to get tight.  I finally found a job  but it was 100 miles away.  I started to stress about the employment situation and I turned to smoking and drinking to help deal with my situations again.

Having my parents close by again after all these years meant the church pressure was going to start again.  My mom would always invite us to church and sometime I would give in.  I went to church but my heart wasn’t in it and I again found myself going to church against my will.  My wife didn’t go and the kids had to go when I went because I said so.  I struggled for a long time because I knew I was only going to make my Mom and Dad happy.

For the next few years things were quiet and I tried to live the best I could, keeping my secrets and staying out of trouble. I remained faithful to my wife more out of lack of opportunity than by choice.  Traveling long distances for work continued and started to take its toll.  Finally I quit my long distance job to take a consulting  job closer to home.  That turned out to be a bad move because my six month position was eliminated in four months and I was back on the block again.  Bills were starting to pile up and things were getting tight.

The only offer for work I had was a contract in North Carolina…

Here’s where it all goes down….

Until later…I’m just tryingtobeamanofgod….



We are getting near the end here friends….Stay tuned for My Story Part 6…North Carolina

My Story Part 4 (New York Part 2)


Hi Brothers and Sisters,

Fresh from Men’s Ministry Retreat Weekend here I am ready to share.  I first have to tell you all what a wonderful experience I had this past weekend.  Being in the presence of 500+ men of God is AMAZING!   You should have heard the singing…500 Men Praising God!! All that came to mind all weekend was “Surely the presence of the LORD is in this place!”

The Communion/Anointing Service was life changing and exactly what I needed to keep me on fire for the Lord!  One of the brothers there said that trying to explain the weekend would be like trying to explain your favorite ice cream flavor to someone who has never tasted ice cream before….Impossible…you had to be there.  I was blessed to have my 12 year old son with me and let me tell you that was a blessing on top of a blessing.  March 8-10, 2013 will be the 20th anniversary retreat at Camp Kulaqua so lock the date in from now and get ready for a great experience.

Ok…So you all have waited long enough…Let’s get in to it.

When my oldest son was born, IMMEDIATELY after making sure he had 10 fingers and 10 toes and that his Mother was ok, I called my father.  As soon as he picked up the phone I did not even say hello, I said “Dad, I am sorry for everything I ever put you through and any I had no idea what you have done for me”  You see I did not realize in my life what it meant to be a parent –  All I knew is that they didn’t let you do what you wanted to and they were a pain!

But God has a sense of humor! He makes us grow up and have kids of our own! In that instant when my son was born, my whole life flashed in front of me and I realized what an A** I had been and what my Dad did for me. (Further more what I would have to do for this child).

That alone should have set me straight, but me being the hard head that I was, I still tried to do what I had to do (so I thought) and do what I wanted to do.  It wasn’t long after my son was born that I realized how much my life would have to change and that I could not entertain every opportunity to hang out.  This was a culture shock to me and I wasn’t really sure how to deal with it.  At 25, I thought I knew everything, that I was grown, that I still deserved what ever I wanted, and blamed other people for things and could not look at myself for the source of my issues.

Honestly looking back I was not a good man to my son’s mother. She is a really good woman and I hate to admit that I put her through more than she deserved.  It took me 17 years to truly apologize to her for the man I was and she accepted my apology. (When I get to my conversion I will explain that.) We tried to live together but do to my lack of maturity, it didn’t work out.  I was  off on my own again trying to still do my thing.  Engaging in meaningless hookups and relationships. Things happened to me like getting robbed at gunpoint and getting hit in the head with a 9MM while trying to hang out. And I still wouldn’t slow down.

It wasn’t too long after that through a friend I met the woman I would eventually marry.  We were friends for a couple of years and after things didn’t work out with my son’s mom, we started to date and eventually moved in together and integrated our families.  We got along great and for the most part I was faithful, but there were a few times during the course of our time together that I used the excuse of us not being married yet to justify random hookups. I would say to myself “it’s not Adultery, we’re not married”)

After we married I slowed down and we had a son and we enjoyed some good years.    Life was good but many times not easy. Marriage, the family, extended family, bills, taxes all started to chip away at the paradise we once shared.  Because I did not have God in my life, I chose to deal with my issues with drugs and alcohol.  I started hanging out with my boys more and even when I was at home, they would come over and I would be in the driveway hanging out, and by the time I came in the house I was worthless.  My wife would just look at me…Of course, at this point I am older, a little more responsible but still immature.  So as home life wasn’t as fun anymore, I played the role as best I could, but I started taking on the ways of men that were not honorable.   You know the saying, “if you lie with dogs you get fleas”  well I was bitten many a time.  See, I used to be the guy where when the wives would say “Oh your going out with Dwayne?, it’s OK!” I used to be the good guy.

It all changed when I was at work one day and noticed this young lady in the cafeteria.  We would always see each other there at the same time. One day one of us said “hi” then that went on for a while.  The “hi’s” became conversations, the conversations became lunches, the lunches turned in to invitations to hang out…and so on and so on.   I had always told my wife stories of people on the job, but I never mentioned this woman – from the beginning.  I think inside I wanted an affair because I knew others that had one and they looked like they were having fun and it was good. I had issues going on at home and I really didn’t look forward to going home at times.

I had no idea what a train wreck that affair would be.  It got out of control.  I found myself lying about having to work, sneaking on the phone, trying to remember lies when I smoked so much I couldn’t remember things straight. (I guess I was trying to forget that I broke God’s Commandments)  I was making a big mess of my life and I had no clue of the future damage I was creating.

This all lasted over a two year period.  I was living a double life.  I was one man when I was at work and another man when I was at home.  I was always stressed out, my wife was unhappy because she couldn’t understand why I would be angry or start an argument (So I could get out the house), the girlfriend was unhappy (she would want me to see her and I would not be there), I was unhappy, life was a mess.  The kids were becoming a handful, and my wife would deal with it all by herself (and not knowing I was having an affair) and still try to be a wife and I was gone.  With all the secrets I had inside I had no peace.  I think no one had any peace.

Winter set in and the storms were bad 2002-2003.  My wife said “I don’t know if you are coming with me or not but I’m moving to Florida!”  Little did we now a couple months later that would actually happen! The Lord made a way for us to move to Florida…

I’ll go into that in My Story Part 5 (The Prodigal Returns).

Until later…I’m just tryingtobeamanofgod.